Dave (boredomfiend) wrote,
Dave
boredomfiend

pendulum

Meh.  So I've been spring-boarding from one polarization to another, yet each one is different and unrelated to the next or previous.  yesterday my head was full of ideas and plans and things to do and work on, with motivation for so many things that I had to concentrate to calm down and straighten things out enough to decide what to work on.  

Today... nothing.   Which sucks because with the zero inertia today also came some contrast, another of the frequent reality checks and reassessment of situation and priorities.
Seriously, yesterday I had to run up to the pickup location just to speak with them in person because they dont have a customer service number, and if they didnt hear from me I would have forfeited the bikes I purchased about a month ago.  I've made no progress in a month, but I had ideas.  I've been toying with various ideas for self-promotion in the art-modeling field, and at the same time, totally failed again.  I found a directory for workshops and schools that use art models across southern california, but of course by then everyone had already booked their models for the next semester.  Virtually everyone is fully booked until december.  FUCKING DECEMBER.  and I have bookings at one school, and a few scattered workshops.

Fail.

I've finally sewn some seeds of doubt with my new friends, too.  In my own head, at least, but thats all that matters.  If I'm in a "good place" things just work.  My outlook shifts dramatically enough that my perception guides me naturally into good situations.  If I'm in a bullshit state of mind, then I become more shy, quiet, guarded and withdrawn.  It affects my behaviors significantly enough that I start getting different responses from people.  If I try to make a joke, it comes out inappropriate instead of funny.  If I try to pay someone an honest compliment, it comes seeming like a crappy pickup line.  If I laugh at someone's joke or story, it sounds forced.  Its hard to smile because I cant remember any reason to do so.  Its hard to operate, socially or professionally, because I feel blank.  Nothing feels natural or normal, so any interaction I try to undergo feels weird, like I'm doing it wrong.  In almost everything I do, it feels like I am trying too hard, and still not doing it right.

I suppose I may be depressed.

Something about writing that line feels kind of weak and pathetic.  Claiming depression like its an illness.  Is it?  Cant be, because I come out of it, and then relapse again and again.  So is it an addiction?  Am I somehow addicted to depression like some kind of drug?  Maybe thats why dont really suffer addiction elseware.. I'm too preoccupied getting a fix of misery to be concerned with petty drugs.  With a brain like mine, who needs drugs to escape?
You dont need an escape from reality when reality doesnt even stick with you.  With my distractability and lack of decent memory, there's nothing to haunt me, in a good or bad way.

And yet... yesterday was different.  Yesterday on the way back from the warehouse, I had so many things going on in my head that it was hard to sort them out.  I was filled with plans for coming days, and planning, considering, strategizing, reconsidering, plotting, and devising how to best do things to accomplish what I was after.  I spent a couple hours detailing a sculpture, enjoying it, and thinking about projects that I should start up.  Enjoying some idle fantasies about possible future events, and then getting charged up when ideas clicked into place and showed me how to make some of them into probable future events.  It was pretty cool, like a bit of a natural high, to see the potentials of situations and ideas, such that any lingering concerns about finances and relationships just seemed to melt away.  Those things didnt need to concern me, because it would all work out.  Being more relaxed internally made social actions smooth as silk, and more enjoyable for me because I never saw anyone's walls go up.  And then the night was done, and I went to sleep.

It sucks to feel awkward.  Say something that they mis-interpret, and feel the person's reaction like a slap in the face.  Know that they are suddenly less comfortable with me, to some degree.  That I just lost something in their eyes, because my thoughts are too tangled to make sense and the string of words that came out were just the right ones to put that person on edge.  Oops.

So anyway.  Enough of that.  Good leads to good, bad leads to worse, and when I wake up its a coin toss.

I need to develop income.

Pronto.

Hopefully tomorrow wont suck.
Tags: self psychology
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