Dave (boredomfiend) wrote,
Dave
boredomfiend

trapped

Ack! I just got back from a shitty burn at black rock city and I cannot get my head straight. I'm laying in bed and my brain is just BLANK. I am entirely unemployed at this point, and about six dollar short of rent. A friend is going to help with the slack but I need to work. I need to figure something out. Fuck this, I need to move. The only reason I live where I do is that it is cheap. Yep, thats it. Cheap living with shitty roommates. I need to work but I can't figure out the first step. I've been art modeling for six years, but don't have any clients set up in this region. I don't want to find modeling work, and I havent' been in any other industry in a while. My brain isn't helping. I can't focus for shit.

Seriously, I feel motivated to walk through the door, but all I see is a wall. All I can feel is a wall. My car is dead so I s'pose I should go jump it somehow, but SHIT!!  I feel so drained and empty and I have no direction! I need a direction! I have spent the last six months becoming a rather proficient welder, but now the machine I was using is unavailable. Fuck my life! I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do. I need to figure out an income, but my options are shit. I need to drastically change my life, but nothing sounds worthwhile. I don't know this town, I don't know where to go, I don't feel like I have any actual friends, which I'm sure is my fault anyway. My sister has suggested that I have high functioning autism, but that doesn't change anything. Whether or not I have some kind of brain malfunction, I am still living in this shitty place with my shitty roommates and my lack of job and all that. What the fuck now!?

As soon as I pay rent I'll be broke, and back at square one. Unemployed and broke with a shitty room and shitty roommates and I don't know what to fucking do about it. Change neighborhoods? Get a haircut? Get a life? FUCK ME I wish I knew how. I don't know what I'm doing or what I should be doing or any of all that. I feel on the verge of panic but there's nothing going on. I need to do something but I don't have any ideas. No ideas at all. Just a blank fucking slate where the ideas should be. DAMMIT I HATE MORNINGS. At least mornings without routine. Without purpose. I feel twitchy. I need something but hell if I know what it is. I feel trapped but I cannot see the cage.
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